Parental Love is

when your Vintage Mommy walks several blocks by herself in an area of downtown she is unsure of to pick up the car because you decided to wear cute shoes for the first time in months but realized your fat prego ass can’t walk in them.

Podcasts

For me, listening to podcasts is a helpful way to practice mindfulness as unfortunately, focused breathing and my (clinical) ADHD brain seriously struggle to buddy-up.  However, the more I tap into podcasts to practice, the better I become at using the Headspace app.

My Top Two Favorite Podcasts:

“The TED Radio Hour is a journey through fascinating ideas: astonishing inventions, fresh approaches to old problems, new ways to think and create. Based on Talks given by riveting speakers on the world-renowned TED stage, each show is centered on a common theme – such as the source of happiness, crowd-sourcing innovation, power shifts, or inexplicable connections.” ~ iTunes 

One of my favorite Ted Radio Hour episodes is called “A Better You“; speaker Jia Jiang is HILARIOUS! I actually laughed out loud while walking Oliver and more than one neighbor gave me a sideways glance … but the fun was well worth it!

“Some stories are too sensitive, painful or potentially damaging to share publicly — unless they can be shared anonymously. TED and Audible present Sincerely, X: an original audio series featuring talks from speakers whose ideas deserve to be heard, but whose identities must remain hidden.” ~ iTunes

Sincerely X is more serious than Ted Radio, some of the talks are more of confessions (Pepper Spray – fantastic) and if it was not for the extremely painstaking sound of (host) June Cohen’s voice, I would very much wish for episodes to be spun out in a swifter pace!  (Fast forward 3ish minutes into the Podcast before starting, you’re welcome.)

June Cohen is the CEO and Co-founder of WaitWhat, a content incubator that recently launched its first podcast, Masters of Scale. Prior to WaitWhat, June spent 11 years as Executive Producer of TED Media. She launched TED Talks online in 2006 and co-hosted the conference with TED Curator Chris Anderson.

 

Being the Hero

Although I have been (long) off my Dr. Phil kick, those three words always sing true in any (well handled) conflicting situation.  Someone always has to, “be the hero”.

Today, i was given the chance to be the hero and I fucking took it; I have not felt this empowered in wayyyyy too long of a time.  As I was exiting the mental health center where I attend my group therapy classes, this mouthy psycho-cunt yelled out a choice rumor (directed my way) in front of a large group of people.  Immediately, this pathetically-vicious behavior brought me back to the night when my sister’s husband was yelling from the top of the stairs, “get the fuck out!” and I was too advil p.m. intoxicated to defend myself.

However, as I continued towards the road, it brought me even further back, to high school haters, and my immediate urge was to handle things now as I did then – I  wanted to turn around and pop the troll in her fugly face.  Although she is three times my size and naturally just looks more pregnant than I ever will, that has never stopped me from dropping a bitch before.  The most unfortunate consequence of this concept would (surprisingly) not be that I would be viewed as a pregnant woman starting a fist-fight, but that Rocky Road would most definitely hit me back (T.P.T like) and obviously, I have to put Evie first.

Fortunately, I was able to quickly spot the error of my de ja vu ways and made the best of all decisions – I would be the hero and just continue on with my day without further pause.  Hell fucking yes.  I looked at the entire situation from every angle and realized in the end that what I truly felt was nothing but Pity.  I feel so terribly sorry for someone who’s life is so pathetic that they actually lower themselves to standing outside of a mental health facility trying to spread rumors about a patient being victimized by an employee, to other patients.  I feel sorry for someone who has been going to group therapy twice as long as I have; yet has not learned any other coping skills to get them through their (self-induced) miserable life.

I know who I am and I know my truths. I have learned a limitless list of skills in the months that I have been attending group therapy and not a day passes by when those new abilities are not in action.  I could give two ginormous shits what She-Man thinks or says about me, unhealthy people focus on unhealthy things.

Right now, Piggy stands proud of her low-level “achievement” to (hopefully) enlist everyone to share her rumor and be so equally deplorable, but she will still go home today the same empty, immature, pitiful “human being” that she was when she woke up this morning.  Whereas I, I feel more confident, more proud and more secure with myself than I have in months.

Even a Sasquatch has to come out of the dark dirty woods at some point, I can only hope the same is true for my new Fan-girl.  

 

Meaningless Mutterring

Based on the results from my last OB appointment, apparently, I am not “eating enough” and my body is living largely off stored fat cells.  I find this as a positive, considering I had already gained 20 pounds over the last year due to my psych medications (Zyprexa and Seraquil will free your mind while fucking up your body). Moms who are already over their healthy weight prior to getting pregnant; need to be more conservative with their preggo poundage.  I have, in fact, been making sure I incorporate all of the food groups on a daily basis and frankly, I found this much easier than I thought it would be, but my biggest problem is that I get SO full SO fast now.  I used to be able to throw back much more grub than anyone my size should be deft of devouring, but that skill is on a serious suspension.

My Mommy said she has never heard of this happening (a fecund female with an anemic appetite) but while I was Googling pregnancy and heartburn, I proved to be normal (YAY!). Apparently, due to the uterus expanding, the stomach can be left with less room to stretch, thus reducing the amount of food it can hold.  If that happens, you are supposed to aim for the 6-7 meals a day rule.  Haha.  Hahaha.  I would have to go back on Vyvanse (my ADHD med that the Doc has disallowed until post-birth) before I would have any chance of making that happen on a daily basis for the next 23 weeks.

Studious Semi-Solution:  Yesterday, I went grocery shopping and acquired a copious amount of constituents to make it smoothie central up in here; fresh organic fruits (to be cut and frozen), organic spinach and kale, organic flax seed, frozen organic berries, organic plain greek yogurt, walnuts, (more) unsweetened Almond Milk, and (more) organic virgin coconut oil. Add those to some stuff I already have stocked; organic cacao powder, organic peanut butter, organic vanilla extract, organic hemp seeds, calcium-less orange juice and sugar free syrups in 14 different flavors.

Confident in my inventory, I did some smoothie recipe surfing and THAT process was fire and brimstone.  #1.) Why do chicks feel the need to blog a fucking novel around their one drink wonders? Share the fucking recipe and STFU!  Who gives a cowplop how the concoction came to be? Good. Governor. Just sayin’. #2.) I discovered some baller brews, sure, none of which I had ALL of the ingredients to recreate. I find this altogether absurd based on my (presumably) adequate additive acquisitions. #3.) Recipe’s in reserve; Creativity will commence.

 

I’m going there.

I swore to myself that I would NEVER blog about Reality TV.  Everyone has their own opinions and who the hell wants to hear mine?  Eh, who the fuck cares.  I am bursting and spewing before I blow.

BB19 – There are 4 folks that I have never really cared for … Paul.  Josh.  Elena.  Ballerina chick.  Paul carries the majority of my hate but if I’m being honest, my repulsion is matched in respect.  Josh – YOU are the fucking meatball so STFU already!  Elena – telemarketing maybe but Radio? Mute mute mute.  Ballerina – you pirouetted in like a squeaky slap-worthy mouse, but at least the cheese indulgence has (also) resulted in a welcomed tryptophan overdose.  However … I MUST give it UP for Josh right now.  Beginning with his apology to Mark for his terrible two’s behavior to making his own decisions as HOH while keeping the wool over Paul’s egotistical eyes.  Continue laying off the meatball madness and you just may be my new fav!

THE BACHELORETTE – Rachel girl, I was SO rooting for you for the longest time and it’s such a shame that I want to punch the fake eyelashes off your gorgeous face at this point.  Are you fucking new?  Do you not realize the FAILURE rate of these shows in regards to the couple ACTUALLY getting married?  How can you be so stunningly smart yet so startlingly stupid at the same time?  I truly thought you were doing this show to find the love of your life (Peter), not to find a man that was willing to marry you and for a lack of better words, “will do” (Womanizer).  I do wish the best for you.  Which means, I hope you and shiny botox cheeks boy fail so that you are free to make the right decision after all AND live HAPPILY ever after.

RHW NYC – Drunk Dorinda rocks my world.  Bethany will always be my all-time favorite comedian on the planet.

RHW OC – Somewhere in this country there must be a drinking game (I would call it Fat Shaming Shots, but that’s just me) where everyone throws one back each time Shannon says her “weight gain via allegation stress” line.  Ugh, STFU!!!

BELOW DECK MED – I want to be Hannah in another life.  She is a TRUE representative of Reality TV and people clearly act out on her due to nothing but good ole jealousy. PS. Bugsy – STFU

AGT – Purposely saved for last because my complaints here are repeated year after year after year. Why all the fucking SINGERS?  Are there not enough reality shows already in place for that shit?  And THEN you have ALL THREE guest judges thus far, using their golden buttons on who?  SINGERS. @#$%&*#%@^!!  Is a 9 year old (!!!) girl going to have a show in Vegas????? Secondly – AMERICA’S got talent seems to fill up with people from all over the world.  I am totally down with folks who immigrated here at a young(er) age but no, nope, that’s not what’s happening.  They are (admittingly!) flying over from other countries JUST to be on this show.  Arriving at the airport yesterday makes you part of AMERICA’S talent?  B u l l s h i t.  

 

 

Love and Marriage

My parents recently celebrated their 47th Anniversary and words cannot express how honored I am to have such amazing role modes.  They are not running a marathon like most marital couples these days, they are greatly enjoying the race.  I feel privileged to be on their sidelines, pom poms and all.

July 31st was actually a double anniversary.  It marked the day that I moved back to NY in 2016.  It marked the first day of my new life.  The first day in a long time that I saw a future filled with continual happiness.  I felt like I was suddenly enveloped in this giant bubble, a bubble filled with SO much love, joy, and support.  I could not help but be afraid that one day the bubble would pop but that trio of amazingness emitted by my parents has never wavered.  In fact, it has only increased, making the bubble thicker and stronger than ever.  I no long feel powerless, lost, burdened and afraid.  My future’s so bright, well, you know the rest …

WAZE! Now!

I have been meaning to post this for forever and today is the day!!  Dudes … if you are not Waze’ing, you are just Wrong’ing.  Fact.  Waze is community based navigation (GPS), meaning, all road reports come from users and are up to the minute.  If you pass a pig who is waiting in that shady spot on the highway, report it so that all the drivers that come behind you will know when to slow their shit down.  Heavy traffic? Construction?  Crap in the middle of the road?  Car on the shoulder?  Report it!  Community, ya’ll!

IN ADDITION!

  • I use iCal faithfully and as long as I include the address in my schedule, all I have to do is open Waze and it automatically charts me to that location.  Calendar Sync Amazingness!
  • Locations can be saved as favorites, but you can also see previous locations you Wazed to so instead of having to type them in, just scroll and click.
  • You can actually schedule trips in Waze and it will notify you in advance, what time you will need to leave (based on road conditions) in order to reach your destination on time.
  • If you take trips to and from a location regularly, Waze catches on, you don’t have to tell it you are on your way home from work because Waze already knows.
  • Searching is amazing, just type in the name of the place you are looking for OR the type (i.e. gas station) and kablamo!
  • Lastly, you can program a message into Waze that is announced when you reach your destination.  The default is to not leave your child in the car (lets face it – that could be a life saver for some) but I set mine to remind me not to leave my KEYS in the car (repeat offender here).

I am certain there are additional (valuable*) benefits that I am forgetting or simply, unaware of, but who needs more than the above to be sold??  Check out the Waze website for a demo or just get with it and download the Waze App ASAP!

*non-“valuable” benefits:  you are able to choose the icon you wish to represent you as a driver, you can include photos in your reports, it is optional to chat with other users, etc.