Day 34 – The Science of Fun

In fifth grade biology, I was the kid who refused to participate in slaughtering a frog, but only because I thought it was the stupidest most cliche experiment ever.  If you had put me in front of a human cadaver I assure you, A+ all the way (for interest and effort, of course).

 

My favorite definition of science:  Noun; a particular branch of knowledge. I may have skated by with a C- in fifth grade bio but when it comes to the science of fun, you might as well slap the honor roll sticker on my Mom’s bum(per) right now. There are SO many books and motivational speeches out there focused on how to be happy it makes me want to chew on my sketchers, but no one dials directly into the main ingredient which in my experienced opinion, is and will always be, FUN. Show me someone who is having fun but is unhappy – double dead body dare you.

How often do you find yourself saying, aloud, “this is fun!” or “I am having fun!“? Not to show off or anything, but I have been in a hospital for 34 days and only 3 or 4 of those days were lacking in fun (as it was replaced by pain). My formula is extremely complex and all mathematical and shit; I will share it with you but if you cannot keep up, please do not feel bad.

Ready?

I bring toys with me to the dentist; if you enjoy solving a Rubik’s Cube, you can make a fucking root canal FUN.

DISCLOSURE:  I am on the low to no skills end of a Rubik’s, that was merely an example.

PS  I google imaged the word Fun and this photo was in the 3rd row …

 

 

Meaningless Mutterring

Based on the results from my last OB appointment, apparently, I am not “eating enough” and my body is living largely off stored fat cells.  I find this as a positive, considering I had already gained 20 pounds over the last year due to my psych medications (Zyprexa and Seraquil will free your mind while fucking up your body). Moms who are already over their healthy weight prior to getting pregnant; need to be more conservative with their preggo poundage.  I have, in fact, been making sure I incorporate all of the food groups on a daily basis and frankly, I found this much easier than I thought it would be, but my biggest problem is that I get SO full SO fast now.  I used to be able to throw back much more grub than anyone my size should be deft of devouring, but that skill is on a serious suspension.

My Mommy said she has never heard of this happening (a fecund female with an anemic appetite) but while I was Googling pregnancy and heartburn, I proved to be normal (YAY!). Apparently, due to the uterus expanding, the stomach can be left with less room to stretch, thus reducing the amount of food it can hold.  If that happens, you are supposed to aim for the 6-7 meals a day rule.  Haha.  Hahaha.  I would have to go back on Vyvanse (my ADHD med that the Doc has disallowed until post-birth) before I would have any chance of making that happen on a daily basis for the next 23 weeks.

Studious Semi-Solution:  Yesterday, I went grocery shopping and acquired a copious amount of constituents to make it smoothie central up in here; fresh organic fruits (to be cut and frozen), organic spinach and kale, organic flax seed, frozen organic berries, organic plain greek yogurt, walnuts, (more) unsweetened Almond Milk, and (more) organic virgin coconut oil. Add those to some stuff I already have stocked; organic cacao powder, organic peanut butter, organic vanilla extract, organic hemp seeds, calcium-less orange juice and sugar free syrups in 14 different flavors.

Confident in my inventory, I did some smoothie recipe surfing and THAT process was fire and brimstone.  #1.) Why do chicks feel the need to blog a fucking novel around their one drink wonders? Share the fucking recipe and STFU!  Who gives a cowplop how the concoction came to be? Good. Governor. Just sayin’. #2.) I discovered some baller brews, sure, none of which I had ALL of the ingredients to recreate. I find this altogether absurd based on my (presumably) adequate additive acquisitions. #3.) Recipe’s in reserve; Creativity will commence.

 

I’m going there.

I swore to myself that I would NEVER blog about Reality TV.  Everyone has their own opinions and who the hell wants to hear mine?  Eh, who the fuck cares.  I am bursting and spewing before I blow.

BB19 – There are 4 folks that I have never really cared for … Paul.  Josh.  Elena.  Ballerina chick.  Paul carries the majority of my hate but if I’m being honest, my repulsion is matched in respect.  Josh – YOU are the fucking meatball so STFU already!  Elena – telemarketing maybe but Radio? Mute mute mute.  Ballerina – you pirouetted in like a squeaky slap-worthy mouse, but at least the cheese indulgence has (also) resulted in a welcomed tryptophan overdose.  However … I MUST give it UP for Josh right now.  Beginning with his apology to Mark for his terrible two’s behavior to making his own decisions as HOH while keeping the wool over Paul’s egotistical eyes.  Continue laying off the meatball madness and you just may be my new fav!

THE BACHELORETTE – Rachel girl, I was SO rooting for you for the longest time and it’s such a shame that I want to punch the fake eyelashes off your gorgeous face at this point.  Are you fucking new?  Do you not realize the FAILURE rate of these shows in regards to the couple ACTUALLY getting married?  How can you be so stunningly smart yet so startlingly stupid at the same time?  I truly thought you were doing this show to find the love of your life (Peter), not to find a man that was willing to marry you and for a lack of better words, “will do” (Womanizer).  I do wish the best for you.  Which means, I hope you and shiny botox cheeks boy fail so that you are free to make the right decision after all AND live HAPPILY ever after.

RHW NYC – Drunk Dorinda rocks my world.  Bethany will always be my all-time favorite comedian on the planet.

RHW OC – Somewhere in this country there must be a drinking game (I would call it Fat Shaming Shots, but that’s just me) where everyone throws one back each time Shannon says her “weight gain via allegation stress” line.  Ugh, STFU!!!

BELOW DECK MED – I want to be Hannah in another life.  She is a TRUE representative of Reality TV and people clearly act out on her due to nothing but good ole jealousy. PS. Bugsy – STFU

AGT – Purposely saved for last because my complaints here are repeated year after year after year. Why all the fucking SINGERS?  Are there not enough reality shows already in place for that shit?  And THEN you have ALL THREE guest judges thus far, using their golden buttons on who?  SINGERS. @#$%&*#%@^!!  Is a 9 year old (!!!) girl going to have a show in Vegas????? Secondly – AMERICA’S got talent seems to fill up with people from all over the world.  I am totally down with folks who immigrated here at a young(er) age but no, nope, that’s not what’s happening.  They are (admittingly!) flying over from other countries JUST to be on this show.  Arriving at the airport yesterday makes you part of AMERICA’S talent?  B u l l s h i t.  

 

 

“Lights Out”

As a genre, Horror has had at least 2 centuries of shameful presentations.  I can’t believe Lights Out was a solid 77% by Rotten Tomatoes standards (not to mention the 88% given for The Conjuring 2) because I wanted to shoot myself before I got to the end of this incredibly boring movie.  I’ve also decided I can’t stand Teresa Palmer.  She is unbelievably gorgeous, has a ridiculously amazing body, she kills an American accent (in a killer way) I mean – even her VOicE is attractive AND her acting carries ever movie she does, H A T E  H E R  (this totally reminds me of my I hate Scarlett Johansen phase)!  Anyway people, when it comes to Lights Out, I absolutely cannot recommend this stupid movie (and demand a refund dammit!)why-lights-out-is-arguably-the-most-anticipated-horror-movie-of-2016-lights-out-relea-922857

Childhood Obesity = Child Abuse

Parents of obese children should be charged with child abuse.  FORGET the fact that their kids are prime choice for school bullies based on the visual effects caused by the parent-enabled unhealthy and excess eating habits, but the health effects are stunning: screen-shot-2016-09-07-at-6-21-40-pm

There is NO excuse and you know it parents, YOU KNOW IT.  CHILD. ABUSE.

SOURCE: cdc.gov/healthyschools/obesity/facts.htm

SHE’S Not Okay.

I have been TRYING extremely hard to read this book, It’s Not Okay by Andi Dorfman, mainly because I just knew there was something wrong with Bachelor Josh and I could not wait to get the dirt on him but holy SHIT is Andi the SOUREST author ever!  Woe is her, boo freaking hoo! The woman is a gorgeous, intelligent attorney who had her own damn TV show and she writes as if the world is ending for her every moment of every day.  Here is an excerpt:

In the meantime, the first stop on the journey is Depressionville.  Welcome!  Here you’ll find an excuse to drink like no one is watching and eat like your jeans have elastic waistbands.  Take advantage of this place!  There’s a pity party going on here but you won’t be allowed to stay forever.

Thanks, BETCH.  Then she lists a bunch of songs to listen to that will make you want to bang your head against a wall.  I honestly do not think I can read another paragraph … and I am only on page 35.  Every time I pick up this book I have to set it down, I kind of feel like burning it at this point. I hope she gets the help that she needs!Unknown

B.Y.O.F.

Like Flowers, Ladies?     Buy. Your. Own.

When I was working, I used to buy myself flowers every week.  Yellow, my favorite color, any assortment, without fail.  I never complained about not receiving them from some boy (men buy flowers), that is ridiculous.  They are just flowers – living things growing in an abundance outside of many windows, in many fields.  They are available in (almost) every grocery store, in (almost) every neighborhood.  I wonder what percentage of the time a man buys flowers because he truly desired to do so.  His love drove him to the scent of a fresh bouquet of apology roses vs him being tired of hearing his wife bitch about never receiving flowers.  Ladies – if you love them, what the heck are you always waiting on (a) “him” for?

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PLEDGE NEEDED, PARENTS WANTED.

I made the very GINORMOUS mistake of buying my niece and nephew iPads.  I assumed the pads would be used to further their educational/intellectual growth but these days my niece takes every minute she can to watch hey Jessie while laying in her room with the door closed.  She is 8.  I greatly disfavor this idea or any concept for that matter; involving unmonitored tv in an 8 year old’s bedroom.  However, all I can do about it is have eternal buyers remorse as I am only the aunt.  The aunt ASShole who bought the iPads.  Did I mention that I received a request to approve Snapchat for her today?  She is EIGHT.  8! Request DENIED.

My Mom and I went grocery shopping today, as we were checking out I looked to my right and saw something similar to this (yes I’m too cheap to buy it)illustration-of-kids-using-mobile-technology_101279932Not even 20 seconds later, as we rolled our carts to the door we just about saw this (except it was a girl and there was no book)student-using-smartphone-during-class_192643727What the fuck, parents.  I am tired of hearing you are too tired.  Maybe you should not have even had kids if you do not have the energy it takes to raise them.  Fuck yah, I said it and no I do not have kids because I was honest with myself.  Parents should sign a pledge to start parenting and stop i-handing.  Maybe their kids will actually learn to wipe their own asses or sign their names in cursive or ride a non-electric no training wheels bike and go camping in real tents while TALKING to each other like humans are supposed to do.  Answer me this ONE question – what does it teach your kids when you hand them your phone to shut them up?  What is the lesson in that?  I will gladly take an intelligent response any day.