Unaccredited Cash and Mental Illness

I have 137 college credits, but no degree. I basically ADHD’ed my way into debt by taking multiple semesters of things like Astronomy when the majority of the credits had nowhere to go.  I have decided to go back to school to take the last 4 classes I need towards my B.A. in Psychology and then onto a Masters Program. Again, thanks so very much to my BFF Therapist, I have been steered in the right direction for both. I have no idea how I am going to afford it but I try not to worry about money anymore, when there is a sincere will there IS a way!

My focus is going to be Mental Illness [MI] and I also wish to lead a family outreach program. I never want anyone to go through what I have if I can help it, the family’s understanding of MI is equally as important as the patient’s. My parents have done an AMAZING job of standing by my side over the past 13 months because they were willing to take the time to learn what was happening in my misfiring brain. Without therapy and family/friend support there is absolutely zero question, I would not be alive today.

Suicide is not a rationally controllable decision. Our minds have 3 states: Rational, Emotional and Wise.

The decision to take your life is completely emotional minded.  You cannot expect someone with suicidal ideations to simply buck up and get over it.  You cannot expect them to consider all the consequences that matter to YOU. To you it is selfish, scary, inconsiderate, irresponsible, cheating, giving up, a waste, an easy way out, and I am sure I could go on and on but the truth is – for you to assume the suicidal person has the ability to contemplate your laundry list of lucid reasoning, well that is just ridiculous. If you outcast them due to your own ignorance and selfishness, they may eventually return to a healthy state and never forgive you for it.

Upon a suicide attempt, I would love to immediately visit the patient’s family/friends/roommates to educate them, even if on a volunteer basis.

On average, there are 121 suicides per day.  

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the United States.

Mental Illness is a medical condition, take it seriously. Show compassion, be caring, kind and considerate and more importantly – never turn your back on someone due to their MI but rather, support and assist them in getting proper treatment. You never know … someday, it could be YOU.  How would you want your loved ones to respond?






Meaningless Mutterring

Based on the results from my last OB appointment, apparently, I am not “eating enough” and my body is living largely off stored fat cells.  I find this as a positive, considering I had already gained 20 pounds over the last year due to my psych medications (Zyprexa and Seraquil will free your mind while fucking up your body). Moms who are already over their healthy weight prior to getting pregnant; need to be more conservative with their preggo poundage.  I have, in fact, been making sure I incorporate all of the food groups on a daily basis and frankly, I found this much easier than I thought it would be, but my biggest problem is that I get SO full SO fast now.  I used to be able to throw back much more grub than anyone my size should be deft of devouring, but that skill is on a serious suspension.

My Mommy said she has never heard of this happening (a fecund female with an anemic appetite) but while I was Googling pregnancy and heartburn, I proved to be normal (YAY!). Apparently, due to the uterus expanding, the stomach can be left with less room to stretch, thus reducing the amount of food it can hold.  If that happens, you are supposed to aim for the 6-7 meals a day rule.  Haha.  Hahaha.  I would have to go back on Vyvanse (my ADHD med that the Doc has disallowed until post-birth) before I would have any chance of making that happen on a daily basis for the next 23 weeks.

Studious Semi-Solution:  Yesterday, I went grocery shopping and acquired a copious amount of constituents to make it smoothie central up in here; fresh organic fruits (to be cut and frozen), organic spinach and kale, organic flax seed, frozen organic berries, organic plain greek yogurt, walnuts, (more) unsweetened Almond Milk, and (more) organic virgin coconut oil. Add those to some stuff I already have stocked; organic cacao powder, organic peanut butter, organic vanilla extract, organic hemp seeds, calcium-less orange juice and sugar free syrups in 14 different flavors.

Confident in my inventory, I did some smoothie recipe surfing and THAT process was fire and brimstone.  #1.) Why do chicks feel the need to blog a fucking novel around their one drink wonders? Share the fucking recipe and STFU!  Who gives a cowplop how the concoction came to be? Good. Governor. Just sayin’. #2.) I discovered some baller brews, sure, none of which I had ALL of the ingredients to recreate. I find this altogether absurd based on my (presumably) adequate additive acquisitions. #3.) Recipe’s in reserve; Creativity will commence.


Sister Scrooge

Dear Dr. Phil,

It’s clear that any family dramas involving kids are at the top of the list for you, so maybe if I change direction I will get your attention.  Ever since my suicide attempt on June 30, 2016, my sister (who was my BFF for 20 years) has chosen to treat me as if I am dead, versus celebrating the fact that I lived, and in doing so she has decided I am not fit to have any contact with my 8 year old niece and 5 year old nephew.  This was news to me as of today, 2 days before Christmas, and only because I was checking on the status of the box of presents I had shipped to their house.

YES, I tried to kill myself in her house where her kids live but NO they were not involved and they have no idea what took place.  When I was in the hospital my parents came and told me I was not welcome back in my sisters house and that the kids were told that I had to go away to get well … and they could understand that because I was living there to get well in the first place.  I lived there for 3 years, with the kids.  Before that I was there when the kids were being born, in the fucking hospital room.  I was there for every birthday, every major event.  I was the best aunt anyone had ever seen.  But I was going through some major stuff in my life and I was isolated, and my sister abandoned me, and let her husband pull some major bullshit, all while losing my dog of 14 years, and yes – at that time, I felt I had no options but to take my own life.

I’ll be honest, right now my life is hard as hell.  Right now I have double the grief.  I live with chronic pain and I am grieving for the life I once had of an awesome job, great group of friends, kickass waterfront living, weekly happy hours and too many first dates.  Top that off with grieving for the loss of living with my best friend and 2 amazing kids for the last three years, to now having zero contact with them for a reason I will never comprehend.  I have major depressive disorder, I’m in therapy three days a week and the rest of the time is spent in bed either sleeping, crying or just stuck in my head.  Making up that box of Christmas presents for my niece and nephew meant the world to me, as difficult as it was because for the first time in 3 years I wasn’t going to be there to see the look on their faces when they opened their gifts, but I put a lot of thought and effort into them and knowing they aren’t going to receive them is beyond devastating.

My sister is clearly not well so I may be spinning my wheels … recently she called up my parents and started screaming at them on the phone about “not participating” or something and then CHILDISHLY unfriended them on Facebook (who does that to their parents?!?!?!) and my parents were so hurt because that basically blocked them from everything posted about the kids. This drama is all about THE KIDS and what is best for THE KIDS.  She is not thinking about them, getting Christmas presents from me isn’t going to hurt them.  Talking to me isn’t going to hurt them.  Face timing me isn’t going to hurt them.

I never thought the pain I feel in my body could become second to the pain I feel in my heart but when I got that text today, it actually happened.  Dr. Phil, I tried to take my life but I LIVED, why is my sister being selfish and cold hearted instead of compassionate and caring?  Why is she robbing her kids of the best aunt they ever had?  My niece is 8 and she has already stolen my sister’s phone a few times to text me (but got in trouble), isn’t she going to figure it out for herself in a few years and eventually be angry at her Mom for the lost time?   Sigh … Please help our family, Dr. Phil.

Happy Holidays


Write to Dr. Phil for me PLEASE!!

For those who do not know, I am going to be on the Dr. Phil show as soon as they realize what an awesome guest I will be, but I need YOUR help!  I have vowed to send Dr. Phil a letter every single day until I am chosen.  Lately, I have had a few days where I actually wrote more than one letter in a 24 hour period (“bad” days) but if you’re reading this and you know enough about me, PLEASE send a letter to Dr. Phil, Robin, and their team, telling them how much I desperately need to be put in front of the right doctors and surgeons in order to hopefully fix this broken down body of mine to get my life back.  I have so much to offer this world and I have been on pause while life has been on fast forward for almost 4 years now … just tell Dr. Phil what you know about me and why you think I deserve to be on the show and to get connected to the doctors that Dr. Phil knows. The address is (I have this memorized now):

The Dr. Phil Show

5482 Wilshire Blvd, #1902

Los Angeles, CA 90036


SHE’S Not Okay.

I have been TRYING extremely hard to read this book, It’s Not Okay by Andi Dorfman, mainly because I just knew there was something wrong with Bachelor Josh and I could not wait to get the dirt on him but holy SHIT is Andi the SOUREST author ever!  Woe is her, boo freaking hoo! The woman is a gorgeous, intelligent attorney who had her own damn TV show and she writes as if the world is ending for her every moment of every day.  Here is an excerpt:

In the meantime, the first stop on the journey is Depressionville.  Welcome!  Here you’ll find an excuse to drink like no one is watching and eat like your jeans have elastic waistbands.  Take advantage of this place!  There’s a pity party going on here but you won’t be allowed to stay forever.

Thanks, BETCH.  Then she lists a bunch of songs to listen to that will make you want to bang your head against a wall.  I honestly do not think I can read another paragraph … and I am only on page 35.  Every time I pick up this book I have to set it down, I kind of feel like burning it at this point. I hope she gets the help that she needs!Unknown

Officially Sad.

Today she would have officially been 14.  I miss you SO much Ninook you have absolutely no idea how sad I am that I didn’t keep my promise to meet you at the beach 🙁


Two fer Tues

uno:  This is what happens when you can’t feel your hands.  Last month it was the middle guy and somehow that seemed easier than my po’ pinky.

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dos:  Kim Basinger looks absolutely UH-mazing, right?!  Go ON with your gorgeous self!

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