It is so hard to believe that one year ago, I was sitting in a room full of shrinks at Newark Psychiatric Hospital, with a white blanket wrapped around my body and up over my head – begging them to just let me kill myself. They put me back on Zyprexa and said if it did not work within 24 hours we would be discussing ECT (i.e. shock therapy).
Yesterday I was walking through the Mt. Hope Cemetery, talking to Evie as I do when we are alone (always like an adult – I hope her first word doesn’t start with Fu). I contemplated how long I have struggled to find my survival purpose (i.e. my second chance at life) and fulfill it appropriately, but as I stood there amongst the graves of so many who risked their lives for me to have mine, I suddenly realized that unfound purpose has been with me 24/7 for the past 7 months – I lived to give life to another.
Right now I am a statistic because I can be; I am strong enough to weather the obstacles that have crossed my pregnancy path but for once, I am not alone in the fight. The little human that tries to kick my iPad off my belly when I use it as a shelf is battling right there beside me and she is already a stronger person for it too.
I truly believe that I make a difference in people’s lives; when I allow myself to let people in. My future goals are to finish school and become a therapist, volunteer at the hospital to spend time with suicide patients and/or the ladies (like muy) who are hospital bound for what feels like an eternity and to train Oliver to be a therapy dog. Of course, being the best M-word on the planet is my highest priority, but having Evie as a part of my journey; bringing happiness to others, will hopefully inspire her to do the same.
A ginormous thank you to all of our Veterans (especially my Daddy) for enabling me to have this life that I have now learned to treasure.